30/ 08/ 2015

To look or not to look

So the other day someone asked why it’s considered inappropriate for a man to look at another woman in front of his woman. He said he knows that it IS inappropriate, but WHY is it inappropriate if—according to him—everyone knows everyone is always looking anyway?

Well. First of all, I wouldn’t call it inappropriate. I don’t think any grown man or woman is really so crazy as to think their significant other is supposed to think all the rest of the 7 billion people on this earth are ugly, just because they’re in a relationship. That’s just not how it works.

The world is full of crazy sexy cool people who your man/woman would probably be trying to get with if they hadn’t run into you first, so let’s just get that straight. That said, they are with you, not everyone else. So if you’re one of those people who goes to the extreme of expecting your significant other to never notice another person’s attractiveness, just know that you’re basically asking that person to lie to you. What’s so great about that?

On the other extreme are women who don’t care at all if their man is ogling other women. Honestly, though, I’m of the belief that those women are either fronting, cheating, or bi. But I digress.

Personally, I fall in the middle of the spectrum—if it were a scale of one to ten, one meaning I don’t care at all and ten meaning a mere glance in another woman’s direction will send me into a fit of rage, I’m probably a 5.5 to 6. I CAN get jealous, but not enough to make it a thing.

I have no problems with my man coming to me and telling me a celebrity, or a girl on the street, or a girl at the gym, was fine. I’m the first person to point out a hot chick, and I will never hate another woman for looking better than me. And I’m a firm believer that, if I feel truly threatened that my man might cheat on me, or leave me for someone else, I shouldn’t stick around to find out if he does. Cuz we got bigger issues than a glance at another ass.

But there is a line that shouldn’t be crossed. It’s not a deal-breaker or anything, but there’s a huge difference between noticing an attractive person on the street, and actually making a scene and staring at her, turning his head and doing all that other extra stuff that men do, usually when their women aren’t around if they know what’s good for them.

The question still stands, though–why not? It’s not like if you were with your boys, you wouldn’t be doing it. So why pretend you’re not what everyone knows you are?

It’s because it’s not about pretending, or being fake, it’s about respect—-the same respect you can and probably do demand your woman show you. Because when the roles are reversed, women are expected to go to great lengths to express their loyalty to a man, and for good reason: a woman who flirts with a man other than her own probably can’t be trusted. On a most primal level, she is sending a green light to that man that if he wants to, he can try to kick it. Regardless of whether or not she could, would or should sleep with that other man at that point, she’s already been disloyal by inviting some random dude to disrespect HER man—the man who is on her team, the man she should be protecting fiercely, the way she’d want to be protected. At least, that’s how I see relationships.

The only problem I have with this is the lack of reciprocation. Men talk mad shit about how women are so jealous and shouldn’t get mad if they’re just being red-blooded males and looking at a nice ass. They’re not being disloyal, they’re just being honest—a nice ass is a nice ass. It all sounds perfectly logical until they catch their women drooling or making eyes at some other dude. Then all of a sudden the woman is disloyal. Where I come from, this is expected of a good woman. Cuz you know, chicks gotta be ride or die, or they ain’t shit.

Loyalty isn’t just about whether or not you’d have sex with another person, it’s whether you sell out your significant other’s honor. Any gesture that undermines the position of your significant other in your life—any gesture that belittles that person’s role, your bond, your commitment to that person, is an invitation for someone else to disrespect your significant other. That is betrayal, whether your significant other is there to witness it or not. And let’s be real for a sec—it doesn’t matter HOW hot someone is, you can notice but you don’t have to do all the extra shit, the slow head turn, the ogling, the excitement, like you never seen a bad chick in your life.

That said, different people have different levels tolerances for their significant other expressing appreciation for another person’s body. Some chicks are totally fine with it. Some are not. fine. at. all. If you’ve been dating someone for a while, you know where she is on the spectrum. If you’re with me, do you. I mean it. But don’t be mad if I don’t like it, and act accordingly. Sorry if that sounds like a threat, it’s really not—I just like to be 100% confident that I’m being as loyal to someone as they are to me.

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I'm a 30-something multimedia creator from New York. I do videos on Youtube centered on open discussion and co-mentorship. Once a month, I host a Q&A with inspiring people from entrepreneurs to athletes and more on The itsme Podcast. Be warned: I can be opinionated. But it's all love! Please follow and subscribe, it would mean a lot! :)

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