16/ 09/ 2008

Deal breakers

There are some things I just never caught on to, like the idea that a guy being a chef equals automatic hotness to most women (learned that recently), and why “relationship deal breakers” is a hot topic of conversation. Then again, this dude’s deal breakers are kind of funny.

I never really thought about mine until recently when someone asked me what they were. I usually decide whether I like people based purely on my first few interactions with them, and nothing else. It’s hard for me to warm up to most people, so when I do, they’re pretty much good in my book for life, unless they screw up forreal forreal.

Still, I realize that I do have first impression deal breakers and makers.

Deal breakers:

1. Poor personal hygiene. Dirty nails, dry skin, bad breath, crusty eyes, yellow teeth, unruly pubic hair, acne, dirty/wrinkly clothes and shoes, etc. You could be the hottest guy ever otherwise, but if you display any of these bad-hygiene signs, I’ll probably take a clean, mediocre looking guy over you.

2. Guys under 5’10 (unless they possess some of the “deal-making” qualities below). It’s not something I’ve thought out; I’m just not physically attracted to short men. Tall men have a lot of great attributes; they’re secure about their physical stature compared to other men, they see me from my ideal angle, and it’s just that much hotter when you’re being f*cked by someone who’s bigger. It’s better for cuddling, too; I can lean on a taller guy without feeling like I’m all over him, and it feels more secure. I’m 5’4, so anything under 5’10 seems too close to my own height.

3. Big bellies. I can deal with a man who’s out of shape (i.e. a little flabby, maybe) but definitely not a man who can’t see his penis. I actually realized this recently when I had a nightmare about being forced to have sex with a fat middle-aged man with a tiny, angry penis. It was really scary, and I felt extremely violated when I woke up. Besides, going back to #1, how could he possibly clean thoroughly down there if he can’t even see?

4. Insecurity. If you don’t think you can get with me, you probably can’t.

5. Pasty skin. There’s just something de-sexualizing about a guy who’s too pale.

6. Overstyling. No fashion victims , thanks. As much as some girls like guys who embrace embellishments and stick with the newest trends, I see that as a clear sign of someone with no style and who’s self conscious about it. When it comes to guys, I’ll either swap fashion tips or fluids, but not both. He must have good taste, of course, and can have a point of view in fashion, but only so far as colors, collars, cuffs and cuts. Leave the statements to me.

7. Fast talkers. I’m actually a fast talker myself, but I find this quality extremely unattractive in men. I like a guy who’s a fast enough thinker to follow the flow of my conversation, but who delivers his comebacks with style, grace, and a deliberate speed/tone. There’s a negative correlation between the number of words a man speaks in a day and his sexiness, in my eyes.

Deal makers:

1. Impeccable grooming. The complete opposite of my #1 deal breaker; I’m a total sucker for the kind of guy who as a policy would never leave his house in anything that isn’t ironed. Double bonus points if he irons his undershirts and his kicks look new, too. Show me good nails, maybe even a manicure, the just-came-from-the-barber look (especially if it involves a proper goatee) combined with the smell of soap or aftershave, white teeth, etc. and I may show you the bedroom.

2. Freaky streak. (not the over-the-top-experimental-sex kind) If a guy is clearly and unapologetically a sex fiend from the get, I appreciate that. Only freaks will know what I’m talking about, too; most normal people like sex and think they’re freaks because they have fantasies, but a normal sex drive is NOT what I mean. I’m talking about people who know they’d never last in a relationship where the sex was sub-par or insufficient. People who would never let life get in the way of their need for good sex. You can sometimes recognize them from the way they look at you semi-inappropriately from the moment you meet; and I appreciate a freak who, at that moment, can recognize the closeted freak in me. When two people like us hook up, there’s only one word to describe it: awesome.

3. Predatory nature. A guy who knows how to undress me with his eyes without making me feel disgusted; a guy who can recognize my value immediately, pick up on my green-light signals and go in for the kill; a guy who will just come out and say he wants me to go home with him instead of being passive aggressive and forcing me to make the move … all good things.

The deal maker list pretty much ends there; and yes, I do realize it’s less than half the size of the “breaker” list, as it should be. Girls like me are not easy to get with; but that’s why you never regret it.



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itsmelori

itsmelori

I'm a 30-something multimedia creator from New York. I do videos on Youtube centered on open discussion and co-mentorship. Once a month, I host a Q&A with inspiring people from entrepreneurs to athletes and more on The itsme Podcast. Be warned: I can be opinionated. But it's all love! Please follow and subscribe, it would mean a lot! :)

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